Post by styg on May 13, 2024 10:35:39 GMT
Laurel was silent for a moment. She looked up at the old, yellowed ceiling tiles, and pulled at her thumbs, alternating between them.
“Something is clearly bothering you,” observed Jude, “About your next match?”
At this point, Laurel’s therapy schedule had slowed down to just a few sessions a year. Check-ins, essentially, to make sure that she was staying on an even keel and practising her mindfulness routines. She’d been seeing Jude for about three years now, and like all of the therapists Laurel had seen, Jude tried to kerb Laurel’s natural inclination to discuss her career - at least a little - and talk more about her interpersonal relationships with friends, family and those colleagues she saw more regularly, like her employees at Omnes. But Jude recognised that wrestling was nonetheless one of the most important things in Laurel’s life. and what happened in the ring had a tendency to affect what happened at home - and vice versa. Jude had learned the tells, and wrestling was weighing on her right now in ways which could affect her family and friends.
Her household didn’t need to be subjected to another assault or kidnapping over something Laurel had done to a rival.
“I guess,” sighed Laurel.
“I mean, your whole tone changed when you mentioned it.”
“Did it, yeh?”
“It did. What’s your next match?”
“Me, Leanne and Matt against, uh, Takeo Shima, Snow Queen, Alex Chambers.”
“Matt as in your brother?”
“No,” clarified Laurel, “Matt Kail. That’s fine. He’s an old friend of ours.”
“So no problems working alongside him?”
“Oh, no, we know him well, yeh. I’ve... teamed with him a bunch of times over the years.” Laurel recognised there was no sense bringing up The Asylum right now.
“So why are you apprehensive about this match?”
Laurel murmured out a laugh, saying, “Ah, that’s a question...”
“I assume this is about your opponents, then, rather than your partners.”
“Well... one of them, yeh” replied Laurel, “Kind of. Not exactly. But... I dunno. Snow and Takeo are good people, I think. I don’t know them well but they seem sound, yeh. Alex is...n’t. ...isn’t. He’s... a lot like me, I think, in some ways.”
“After all this time you still self-identify as not being a good person.”
“I’m - ah, I’m a hard person, who does hard things,” said Laurel, slightly diffidently, before adding, “I mean, I’ve done good things, I guess. Not sure if that makes me a good person.”
Jude shrugged. “I’m not sure that getting caught up on what qualifies someone as a ‘good’ person is a productive discussion for us right now.” It wasn’t like it was the first time they’d had that conversation. Not even close to it.
“Right, right.” Laurel tucked some hair behind her ear absently while Jude turned over their notepad to a fresh sheet. “Anyway, Alex is kind of a cunt, but the thing is, like... he ain’t responsible for what Gorgo did to Christina.” That’s how they’d got onto the subject; Laurel’s girlfriend had recently been taken by a rival of her own, Yelena Gorgo, held overnight, and subjected to... well, Christina was still traumatised and hadn’t yet been able to communicate exactly what happened, but certainly nothing good.
Jude nodded, realising what Laurel was getting at. “I think I see. And you’re worried that he might be a convenient target to take out that anger on?”
Laurel leaned her head to the side and scratched her crown through her hair as she tried to put words together. “I... maybe. I dunno. Yes, but also...”
She kind of trailed off, so Jude prompted, “Also?”
“Eh... at the same time I’m also worried he might not be?”
“Howso?”
“Once upon a time, I woulda gone fuckin’ scorched earth over this. I’da been jumpin’ Gorgo on her other shows to beat the fuck out of her. You know... proper biblical shit. Eye for an eye.” She sighed. “The Treats’ eye me, the branded StarrZoë me.”
“I think it’s a testament to the progress you’ve made that you didn’t do anything like that,” said Jude kindly.
Laurel accepted the compliment with a frown, a small head tilt, and a little grind of the front of her mouth. “I know. But... there’s definitely a big part of me that wanted to do something like that, wishes I had, and... is ashamed I didn’t.”
“That part of you will always be there,” said Jude, “Our goal here has never been about achieving the impossible. The important thing is that you’ve recognised that injuring another person in anger isn’t going to fix what happened to Christina.”
“I mean... it’s fixed things sometimes,” murmured Laurel.
“And at other times, it’s made things worse.”
Another sigh. Laurel had to admit that was correct. She thought of Alexander StarrZoë again.
“Tell me how this connects to your next match,” prodded Jude.
Laurel sat forward a bit, clasping her hands and rolling her wrists. “So. Alex has been playin’ weird fuckin’ games lately with Takeo and Snow and this other guy, Myles, and he pretty obviously just sees anyone else as a pawn to get whatever it is he’s after. He’ll do... basically anythin’ to anyone. I ain’t gonna put it past him to go off in this match this weekend, yeh? He always wants to make a point against me specifically because he’s a deathmatcher too but the other times we’ve wrestled, I’ve won. But if that’s how he goes here, I don’t mind.”
“No?”
“No... it’s if he decides to do something to Leanne or Matt. Leanne especially... you know.”
Jude did know. Leanne’s name had come up probably more in these sessions than any other. Jude had only ever briefly met Leanne in person, but felt like they knew her intimately. Laurel’s overprotectiveness towards Leanne and their mutual dependency were things they’d tried to work on in these sessions, but at the same time, Jude had to admit the value Leanne had as Laurel’s talisman. So much of the progress Laurel had made over the years was only facilitated by her wanting to become less impulsive, more considerate, less instinctively violent - a better person, as Laurel would put it - for Leanne’s sake.
“Remember what we’ve talked about in the past - Leanne is also a trained professional fighter. She doesn’t need you to protect her from everything. Matt too, I’m sure.”
“Sure. But anyway, that’s...” ...but she struggled to find the words she wanted, so she just waved a hand dismissively and sat back again.
“That’s what?”
“That’s... urgh!” she groaned as she ran her hand down her face, still trying to assemble the words she wanted to say, and getting angry that they weren’t coming easily, “It’s... like, the... internal conflict I’ve been havin’... it ain’t really about that. Not mainly. It ain’t about whether I will go off on Alex if he pulls some bullshit. It’s whether I should. Whether I...” She shrugged and exhaled hard. “Whether I should’ve gone off on Gorgo.”
“Would that have helped anything?”
Laurel scratched her forehead as she spoke. “We found Christina again the mornin’ after. We didn’t know what had happened at first ‘cause that show was filmed all over different parts of an industrial block. Not until the crew for that match told us what had happened. So that whole night we were just fuckin’ scourin’ the place, y’know. I was in the maddest panic. Someone got the cops out, so I’d to deal with them too, yeh. Didn’t sleep a wink, obviously... when we got Chrissie back the next mornin’ we took her to the hospital to get checked over, more dealin’ with the police, then just... comfortin’ her, you know? She’d been through hell. When I finally went for my early workout the day after that I way overdid it, pulled some’n in my shoulder. It still twinges a bit now and it’s been weeks.”
“I think that’s completely understandable,” said Jude, “It sounds like an exceptionally stressful few days.”
“Yeah. That is, ahm, a definite, definite understatement.”
“And are you concerned that you haven’t sufficiently exorcised that...” Jude paused momentarily. Anger wasn’t quite the right word for Laurel in these moments. Anger was hot, an emotional response in the heat of the moment. Whatever drove Laurel to the heinous acts she’d committed in the past was something colder and darker. Jude settled on, “...malice?”
Laurel laughed. “Oh, I definitely haven’t. I guess I feel fairly confident that I can hold onto it until I cross paths again with Gorgo in a professional capacity, yeh, at which point I will very calmly stab her through the face.”
“That doesn’t sound like it would solve much.”
“I mean, if she dies, that would solve one problem.”
“Probably open up several more.”
“Probably.”
Jude nudged the train of the conversation once more with, “So you’re not worried about... stabbing Alex through the face?”
“Look, I’m alright if I ain’t provoked, you know that. We did a show since then, for LGBTQ month. I hosted and ring announced it all. Christina wrestled on it. We were too occupied all night to be thinkin’ much about Gorgo.”
“And the reason this weekend could potentially be different is if this Alex provokes you?”
“I. I don’t know. That’s... the thing, I suppose. I feel... alienated from myself. The shit with Gorgo’s the first time I’ve been pushed to that place of the real, dark rage in years, and seeing that it ain’t quite the same now, I... I don’t completely recognise myself, yeh?”
“The fact that you’re not acting on that rage is great, Laurel,” said Jude reassuringly, “It speaks to the years of work you’ve put in.”
“I know, I know, it just... it feels...” she trailed off.
“Are you worried other wrestlers will accuse you of going soft?”
“Nah,” shrugged Laurel, “Insecure wrestlers accuse others of goin’ soft all the time, yeh. Anyone who watches my matches knows I ain’t soft.” She paused. “I think it’s just dissociatin’ a bit, is all. Realisin’ I ain’t quite the person I thought I was. S’like standin’ at a crossroads, does that make sense?”
“Absolutely,” said Jude with a nod, “And it’s completely normal. We often get fixed ideas of ourselves in our heads, and to find out we’re no longer that person can be disorienting. It’s healthy to recognise how you’ve changed, and it’s important to recognise it as forward progress and not attempt to go back.”
“I guess... I mean, you’re right. I just need to know that I can still protect the people I care about. What happened to Christina was a wake up call that - maybe I can’t anymore.”
“You’ll do your best. What happened to Christina is not your fault. Nobody can protect everyone around them 24/7, and you shouldn’t hold yourself to an impossible standard.”
Laurel laughed, partly genuinely, partly as a way to change the subject. “Listen, doin’ impossible things is what I’ve built my entire brand around.”
“What about doing the possible?”
“I can do those too. I’m a person with many talents.”
“Well, forgiving yourself for what happened to Christina and moving on from mourning the person you used to be are both possible.”
Laurel rolled her eyes and laughed, admitting defeat. “Touché.”
“Something is clearly bothering you,” observed Jude, “About your next match?”
At this point, Laurel’s therapy schedule had slowed down to just a few sessions a year. Check-ins, essentially, to make sure that she was staying on an even keel and practising her mindfulness routines. She’d been seeing Jude for about three years now, and like all of the therapists Laurel had seen, Jude tried to kerb Laurel’s natural inclination to discuss her career - at least a little - and talk more about her interpersonal relationships with friends, family and those colleagues she saw more regularly, like her employees at Omnes. But Jude recognised that wrestling was nonetheless one of the most important things in Laurel’s life. and what happened in the ring had a tendency to affect what happened at home - and vice versa. Jude had learned the tells, and wrestling was weighing on her right now in ways which could affect her family and friends.
Her household didn’t need to be subjected to another assault or kidnapping over something Laurel had done to a rival.
“I guess,” sighed Laurel.
“I mean, your whole tone changed when you mentioned it.”
“Did it, yeh?”
“It did. What’s your next match?”
“Me, Leanne and Matt against, uh, Takeo Shima, Snow Queen, Alex Chambers.”
“Matt as in your brother?”
“No,” clarified Laurel, “Matt Kail. That’s fine. He’s an old friend of ours.”
“So no problems working alongside him?”
“Oh, no, we know him well, yeh. I’ve... teamed with him a bunch of times over the years.” Laurel recognised there was no sense bringing up The Asylum right now.
“So why are you apprehensive about this match?”
Laurel murmured out a laugh, saying, “Ah, that’s a question...”
“I assume this is about your opponents, then, rather than your partners.”
“Well... one of them, yeh” replied Laurel, “Kind of. Not exactly. But... I dunno. Snow and Takeo are good people, I think. I don’t know them well but they seem sound, yeh. Alex is...n’t. ...isn’t. He’s... a lot like me, I think, in some ways.”
“After all this time you still self-identify as not being a good person.”
“I’m - ah, I’m a hard person, who does hard things,” said Laurel, slightly diffidently, before adding, “I mean, I’ve done good things, I guess. Not sure if that makes me a good person.”
Jude shrugged. “I’m not sure that getting caught up on what qualifies someone as a ‘good’ person is a productive discussion for us right now.” It wasn’t like it was the first time they’d had that conversation. Not even close to it.
“Right, right.” Laurel tucked some hair behind her ear absently while Jude turned over their notepad to a fresh sheet. “Anyway, Alex is kind of a cunt, but the thing is, like... he ain’t responsible for what Gorgo did to Christina.” That’s how they’d got onto the subject; Laurel’s girlfriend had recently been taken by a rival of her own, Yelena Gorgo, held overnight, and subjected to... well, Christina was still traumatised and hadn’t yet been able to communicate exactly what happened, but certainly nothing good.
Jude nodded, realising what Laurel was getting at. “I think I see. And you’re worried that he might be a convenient target to take out that anger on?”
Laurel leaned her head to the side and scratched her crown through her hair as she tried to put words together. “I... maybe. I dunno. Yes, but also...”
She kind of trailed off, so Jude prompted, “Also?”
“Eh... at the same time I’m also worried he might not be?”
“Howso?”
“Once upon a time, I woulda gone fuckin’ scorched earth over this. I’da been jumpin’ Gorgo on her other shows to beat the fuck out of her. You know... proper biblical shit. Eye for an eye.” She sighed. “The Treats’ eye me, the branded StarrZoë me.”
“I think it’s a testament to the progress you’ve made that you didn’t do anything like that,” said Jude kindly.
Laurel accepted the compliment with a frown, a small head tilt, and a little grind of the front of her mouth. “I know. But... there’s definitely a big part of me that wanted to do something like that, wishes I had, and... is ashamed I didn’t.”
“That part of you will always be there,” said Jude, “Our goal here has never been about achieving the impossible. The important thing is that you’ve recognised that injuring another person in anger isn’t going to fix what happened to Christina.”
“I mean... it’s fixed things sometimes,” murmured Laurel.
“And at other times, it’s made things worse.”
Another sigh. Laurel had to admit that was correct. She thought of Alexander StarrZoë again.
“Tell me how this connects to your next match,” prodded Jude.
Laurel sat forward a bit, clasping her hands and rolling her wrists. “So. Alex has been playin’ weird fuckin’ games lately with Takeo and Snow and this other guy, Myles, and he pretty obviously just sees anyone else as a pawn to get whatever it is he’s after. He’ll do... basically anythin’ to anyone. I ain’t gonna put it past him to go off in this match this weekend, yeh? He always wants to make a point against me specifically because he’s a deathmatcher too but the other times we’ve wrestled, I’ve won. But if that’s how he goes here, I don’t mind.”
“No?”
“No... it’s if he decides to do something to Leanne or Matt. Leanne especially... you know.”
Jude did know. Leanne’s name had come up probably more in these sessions than any other. Jude had only ever briefly met Leanne in person, but felt like they knew her intimately. Laurel’s overprotectiveness towards Leanne and their mutual dependency were things they’d tried to work on in these sessions, but at the same time, Jude had to admit the value Leanne had as Laurel’s talisman. So much of the progress Laurel had made over the years was only facilitated by her wanting to become less impulsive, more considerate, less instinctively violent - a better person, as Laurel would put it - for Leanne’s sake.
“Remember what we’ve talked about in the past - Leanne is also a trained professional fighter. She doesn’t need you to protect her from everything. Matt too, I’m sure.”
“Sure. But anyway, that’s...” ...but she struggled to find the words she wanted, so she just waved a hand dismissively and sat back again.
“That’s what?”
“That’s... urgh!” she groaned as she ran her hand down her face, still trying to assemble the words she wanted to say, and getting angry that they weren’t coming easily, “It’s... like, the... internal conflict I’ve been havin’... it ain’t really about that. Not mainly. It ain’t about whether I will go off on Alex if he pulls some bullshit. It’s whether I should. Whether I...” She shrugged and exhaled hard. “Whether I should’ve gone off on Gorgo.”
“Would that have helped anything?”
Laurel scratched her forehead as she spoke. “We found Christina again the mornin’ after. We didn’t know what had happened at first ‘cause that show was filmed all over different parts of an industrial block. Not until the crew for that match told us what had happened. So that whole night we were just fuckin’ scourin’ the place, y’know. I was in the maddest panic. Someone got the cops out, so I’d to deal with them too, yeh. Didn’t sleep a wink, obviously... when we got Chrissie back the next mornin’ we took her to the hospital to get checked over, more dealin’ with the police, then just... comfortin’ her, you know? She’d been through hell. When I finally went for my early workout the day after that I way overdid it, pulled some’n in my shoulder. It still twinges a bit now and it’s been weeks.”
“I think that’s completely understandable,” said Jude, “It sounds like an exceptionally stressful few days.”
“Yeah. That is, ahm, a definite, definite understatement.”
“And are you concerned that you haven’t sufficiently exorcised that...” Jude paused momentarily. Anger wasn’t quite the right word for Laurel in these moments. Anger was hot, an emotional response in the heat of the moment. Whatever drove Laurel to the heinous acts she’d committed in the past was something colder and darker. Jude settled on, “...malice?”
Laurel laughed. “Oh, I definitely haven’t. I guess I feel fairly confident that I can hold onto it until I cross paths again with Gorgo in a professional capacity, yeh, at which point I will very calmly stab her through the face.”
“That doesn’t sound like it would solve much.”
“I mean, if she dies, that would solve one problem.”
“Probably open up several more.”
“Probably.”
Jude nudged the train of the conversation once more with, “So you’re not worried about... stabbing Alex through the face?”
“Look, I’m alright if I ain’t provoked, you know that. We did a show since then, for LGBTQ month. I hosted and ring announced it all. Christina wrestled on it. We were too occupied all night to be thinkin’ much about Gorgo.”
“And the reason this weekend could potentially be different is if this Alex provokes you?”
“I. I don’t know. That’s... the thing, I suppose. I feel... alienated from myself. The shit with Gorgo’s the first time I’ve been pushed to that place of the real, dark rage in years, and seeing that it ain’t quite the same now, I... I don’t completely recognise myself, yeh?”
“The fact that you’re not acting on that rage is great, Laurel,” said Jude reassuringly, “It speaks to the years of work you’ve put in.”
“I know, I know, it just... it feels...” she trailed off.
“Are you worried other wrestlers will accuse you of going soft?”
“Nah,” shrugged Laurel, “Insecure wrestlers accuse others of goin’ soft all the time, yeh. Anyone who watches my matches knows I ain’t soft.” She paused. “I think it’s just dissociatin’ a bit, is all. Realisin’ I ain’t quite the person I thought I was. S’like standin’ at a crossroads, does that make sense?”
“Absolutely,” said Jude with a nod, “And it’s completely normal. We often get fixed ideas of ourselves in our heads, and to find out we’re no longer that person can be disorienting. It’s healthy to recognise how you’ve changed, and it’s important to recognise it as forward progress and not attempt to go back.”
“I guess... I mean, you’re right. I just need to know that I can still protect the people I care about. What happened to Christina was a wake up call that - maybe I can’t anymore.”
“You’ll do your best. What happened to Christina is not your fault. Nobody can protect everyone around them 24/7, and you shouldn’t hold yourself to an impossible standard.”
Laurel laughed, partly genuinely, partly as a way to change the subject. “Listen, doin’ impossible things is what I’ve built my entire brand around.”
“What about doing the possible?”
“I can do those too. I’m a person with many talents.”
“Well, forgiving yourself for what happened to Christina and moving on from mourning the person you used to be are both possible.”
Laurel rolled her eyes and laughed, admitting defeat. “Touché.”
