Stop! Hammerstein

The fans here in the Hammerstein Ballroom, arguably the USA's most iconic wrestling venue, are hyped for the show to come... as well as a little confused by the plain black cards left on their seats which simply read:



But no explanations about what this might mean are forthcoming, as things go straight into Heartsrevolution's Ultraviolence and Laurel Anne Hardy dances out onstage for the first match!

1. Laurel Anne Hardy def. Alex Chambers in a deathmatch
Something of a proving ground match for Alex against the veteran deathmatcher, which sees the use of light tubes, glass panes and cinder blocks alongside Laurel's signature pink bag of beglittered weapons, and her custard pies filled with thumbtacks and barbed wire. Although Laurel dictates much of the pace and hits a lot of her main moves, Alex acquits himself well with some moments of big offence. His very biggest comes when Laurel goes for some kind of satellite move through a log cabin and he sandbags it, before spinning her into a wheelbarrow facebuster through the tubes instead! They catch her badly, right on the brow, and she's left absolutely gushing, fully crimson masked within the time it takes her to - only just - kick out of the ensuing pin attempt. But if anything it only bumps her into higher gear, and it's just six or seven minutes later that she traps him in the Doors of Perception and he quickly passes out (with blood drizzling off her face onto the back of his head).

After the match, Laurel helps Alex come around, and she tells him he's got a lot of promise. She wants him to stick at this, keep learning, and come back and show her what he's got again some day. He tells her he's gunning for her again in the future, and they shake on it.

2. Isabella Thorn def. Snow Queen VN
The two women shake hands respectfully before the bell, but once it sounds it goes from 0-60 basically immediately as they clobber one another with hard strikes. Early on Snow creates a high-pressure wall of offence for Isabella to figure out, but the experience advantage of Sah'ta Thor's daughter proves clutch as she gradually controls more and more of the match as it goes on, and ultimately traps Snow in the Oni Drop to force the tap out.

3. The Jokers Wild (BlakJak & Spades) def. Napoleon Collins III & Zeke Colton Spence
Zeke and Napoleon do their best, bless them, but they're overmatched. They manage to impress with both their athleticism and some moments of great teamwork, nailing some big upset moves on the Jokers. But quite simply they're not prepared for either Jak and Spades' experience advantage or their inexhaustible supply of dirty tricks. They do an admirable job of holding off the inevitable, but it's only a matter of time before Napoleon falls victim to the Murder Go Round, with Zeke too far out of position to break it up.

4. Nikki Song def. Kai O'Hara
Yes, it's a cliché to describe some wrestling matches as chess games, but sometimes that's just what they are. This is a first time ever encounter between Kai, a competitor in martial arts tournaments since childhood, and Nikki, who's been proving herself as a technical master across the world in the years since GEW fell. It's a highly cerebral match and the slowest of the night as they try to unpick one another, testing with strikes, trying to find out where they can get in pinning combos or submission holds. Momentum slides back and forth but in the end it's Nikki who emerges on top when she locks in the Song of Agony to get the submission win.

5. Matt Kail def. Ivan Grant and Myles Taylor
A huge gear change from the last match, as this one goes full tilt almost throughout, largely thanks to Matt getting to set most of the tempo. It's rooted in the fundamentals, but has a little bit of everything: high flying from Matt, brawling from Myles, and powerhousery from Ivan, with a lot of creative two-on-one and one-on-two sequences. Everyone gets nearfalls, and young Ivan holds his own well against the two vets. Nonetheless, it's Ivan who falls victim to the Reckless Rhetoric from Myles in the end... only for Matt to break up the pin with a Tumultuous Fall and cover Myles instead!

6. Mark Chapman def. Serena Raine
This proves to be a far more competitive match than many might have been anticipating, especially if they last saw Serena as a rookie back in the old GEW days. She gives them an eye-opening demonstration of how much she's grown as a fighter in the decade plus since then, coming within a hair of beating Mark multiple times over the course of a mat grappling masterclass. Nonetheless it's still the rock star who wins this one, lifting Serena over his shoulders out of a rollup exchange, straight into the Radiant Eclipse for the three count.

After the match Mark sportingly tries to help his opponent up, but she bats his hand away in anger and storms out of the ring with her displeasure at her loss all over her face. As Mark's music continues to play, some eagle-eyed audience members have their attention drawn to the stage where Ryan McGrath has appeared. He makes his way down the ramp, applauding his mentor as he does so. Mark looks bemused, wondering why the youngster is out there, but accepts the fist-bump offered to him once Ryan is in the ring and the hug that follows. The rookie raises Mark's hand in victory, as the referee had done moments before, and then walks over to the ropes and asks for a microphone. Mark watches him curiously as he backs into the corner and leans his elbows on the ropes. Ryan waits for the music to stop before raising the microphone to his lips.

"Scott... Simmonds..."

Instantly Mark shakes his head and moves away from the corner, reaching Ryan in a couple of strides and placing his hand on the top of the microphone, forcing him to lower it. Ryan looks up at the older man and a small inaudible exchange takes place between them. Lip-readers may be able to pick out 'don't be stupid,' 'you'll regret it,' and 'you don't wanna do this,' from Mark while Ryan reassures him that it's 'OK' and that he's 'gonna fix it.' Wary, but seemingly convinced - or at least curious - Mark moves his hand away from the microphone, backs up a bit and lets Ryan continue.

"Scott, for three years you've been threatening me now, saying you're gonna do this and that to me, kill me, end my career before it starts, make me pay, yadda yadda yadda. Since I was seventeen you've been promising to beat the crap out of me and yet... I'm still waiting."

Once again Mark steps forward, trying to stop his protégé from making perhaps the biggest mistake of his life. He reaches for the microphone, shaking his head and telling him to stop. Ryan yanks the microphone back to his side and shoves Mark in the chest with his free hand as a collective 'oooooh' comes from the crowd in attendance. Mark stumbles half a step back, raises his eyebrows and smirks. 'All right,' he mouths as he raises his hands and backs away from Ryan, leaving him to do whatever it is he's going to do. Ryan seems to have a brief moment of contemplation over what he just did but it doesn't last long. Mark retreats back into the corner, watching.

"Any time, any place... That's what you said, right, Scott?"

He grins and then takes off his jacket, dropping it down to the canvas.

"I'm here. I'm ready to go. Where are you?"

He looks around, shoulders held in a shrug for a few long seconds. In the corner, Mark pinches the bridge of his nose, while Crell and Stevie remind those watching at home that Scott Simmonds isn't at this show due to the wounds he suffered in his brutal Shatterzone match with Shane Tallin two weeks ago.

"It seems that you're the one ducking me, Scott. 'Any time. Any place. I'll be there.' Isn't that what you said? Time and place is here and now and, well, I'm the only one standing here. Seems to me that it's you who's actually the little bi--"

Mark has heard enough and bolted from the corner. Before Ryan can continue to dig the hole any deeper for himself, he's cut off as his mentor grabs him from behind in a sleeper hold. The crowd erupts as Ryan thrashes around and drops the microphone with a thud. Mark whispers an apology as he tightens the hold just a little bit and holds on until Ryan goes limp. He drops him gently to the mat and then pushes him over to the side of the ring. After sliding out underneath the bottom rope he drags Ryan to the edge and then pulls him onto his shoulder, carrying him up the ramp and to the back.

7. The Empire of Blood (Sah'ta Thor, Velvet Grey & Zanatos) def. Phreak & 420 B.C. (Ligaya Fontaine & Serenity)
While the Empire present a united front here, Phreak and Ligaya have trouble getting on the same page, with Serenity finding herself having to play peacemaker when a miscommunication between her partners threatens to turn into an argument. Individually, Ligaya and Phreak both do well, the former matching Velvet hold for hold and the latter picking up where he left off last time with Zanatos. He takes it to Thor fearlessly, too, their historical personal issues with one another clearly flaring up again. But not only are the Empire of Blood much more co-ordinated, they've got the reigning EHWF World Champion at their helm, who inevitably puts away the distracted Serenity with a Parasite Eve.

8. Troy Gafgen def. Tony Harrison
Time for some big meaty man meat slappin' men! Actually, Tony starts out trying to persuade Troy that they should go easy on one another, citing their time as allies... Troy shrugs and reminds him he beat Mark Chapman last time, and they were even tag team champions together. Tony scratches his head and goes "oh yeah", right before getting a big boot to the face. Troy makes pretty short work of Tony after that, the latter's few moments of offence mainly just giving Troy a chance to show how much he can push through them. For the second straight show, Troy demonstrates his crazy strength en route to victory, this time by holding his superheavyweight opponent in a vertical stall for several seconds before dropping him with The Sickness!

In fairness, Troy does raise Tony's arm afterwards while the latter is still spreadeagled on the mat. But despite being the winner, he doesn't hang about. He ain't getting paid hourly. Shortly thereafter, Tony leaves too, shuffling through the curtain dejectedly...

...then bursts back out a moment later, grinning and yelling, to introduce MC Inc! (Although he's limping a bit as he follows them down to the ring, and he can be seen walking off the beating he just got as they do their thing in the ring...)

9. MC Inc (Casey Black & Lance Murphy) def. The Natural Ones (Anson Orlandelli & Russ Lehman)
This encounter between living, breathing, human shitposts and gamers obsessed with cheating in ever more ridiculous ways is, of course, a by-the-numbers affair with no major surprises. Really, between these two teams and the Jokers Wild, you should pity the poor referees who have to try to maintain some kind of order in the tag team division. The Natural Ones' hax+sploitz are on full display, from a wheelbarrow flapjack into lungblower combo to Lance with a surreptitious boot to the bollocks attached, to Anson attempting to stuff the neck of a Guitar Hero controller down Casey's throat while Russ distracts the ref. Obviously, the Mad Cunts don't take this lying down, and Casey especially takes great pleasure in teabagging the hell out of Anson in revenge later in the match. Between all the nonsense there's some honest to god actual wrestling, too, with long sequences of just classic tag team action between two high level teams. It's at the culmination of one of these exchanges that Lance hits the Ultimate Zing on Russ; Anson springs to the top rope to jump in and break it up, but Casey's there to pull him off (lol) and protect the fall.

10. Kameron Chase def. Evangelista
The early feeling out exchange quickly leads to a full nelson from Kam and then a dragon suplex - but as he throws Evangelista overhead she manages to roll out of his grasp and snap him off his feet with a dragon suplex of her own! She starts to haul him up again, but Kam has a hiptoss to create space, forcing her to reset her mental train. For several minutes they go back and forth, pretty evenly matched, trading grapples and strikes and the odd big springboard move. Leanne manages to show off her strength when she ducks a lariat, gets under him, and manages to lift him up in a fireman's carry... but before she can throw him down, he drops behind her and shoots her into the corner, and as she bounces off the buckles, he stacks her up in a schoolboy. She powers out just in time and returns the favour, shoving him into the corner in turn and rolling him up for a two count as he comes back out. Evangelista's vindicated at around the 14 minute mark when she gets Kam in a fireman's carry again, and this time lands a Samoan driver for a pin which sees Kam kick out right on the stroke of three. But the Natural Disaster gets just as close a fall of his own a couple of minutes later, after dropping her with a fireman's carry backbreaker and following it up with the Three Mile Island as she's rising. When the 25 minute mark passes, fans start to wonder if this match is going to end the same way Kam's last one did, in a time limit draw, as they're still rolling around on the mat trading holds and looking for submissions. Evangelista comes very close to locking in the Lime Street Loop, but Kam's able to escape just in time, and after another struggle he manages to contort her into the anaconda vice! Evangelista does her utmost to hold on long enough to break his grip or reach the ropes, but she just can't manage it before it becomes too much and she has to tap.

For the second time on this show, one of the McGrath-Chapman family extends a hand to an Asylum member they've just beaten in a hard-fought match. Evangelista, still on her haunches, stares at his hand for a moment with visible frustration... then extends hers, and Kameron helps pull her to her feet. They shake and she raises his arm and points at him, but she's still obviously disappointed in herself as she rolls out of the ring, leaving Kameron to celebrate his victory with the fans.